Dear Satya: How do I get over a crush?
From Goop's Snapchat magazine
Joanna,
I’m so sorry— this is the worst feeling! I’ve been there. Everyone has. I wish I could tell you that there’s a quick trick for getting over this person. But it may take a while.
One way to start the process is to carefully explore the interactions you’ve had with this person; notice the ways in which you might feel ashamed or hurt by them. If you’re “hooked” on this fantasy because you’re trying to fix the past or make them feel differently about you, try to turn your attention to those hurt feelings instead. Rather than focus on the other person, notice what you’re feeling and why. Sometimes the very feeling of not being liked is the hook. Rejection can be humiliating, and humiliation—unfortunately—can keep us focused on all the wrong things and all the wrong people if we’re not careful. If you’re feeling humiliated or hurt by this person, that’s very different than a crush. Try to notice the difference and see that maybe this person wasn’t ever good for you to begin with. You dodged a bullet.
If you’re not feeling humiliated, but just smitten with puppy dog love, I encourage you to take some time to really explore what it is about this person that you like. Consider writing these things down. Put the technology away for 30min so that you can think more clearly. Grab a piece of paper. Pick-up your journal.
What do you like about this person? Go a few layers down. Their beauty? Intelligence? Wit? Style? Keep digging. Get specific.
What fantasies do you have for the type of life you could have together?
Once you have a good sense of the nuances of your interest in this person and your dreams about being with them, you have a sense of what you’re looking for in your life. That’s right—not just what you’re looking for in another person, but what your heart is dreaming about for your own life, with or without them.
Something about this person inspires you, excites you, draws you in. Pay attention to those things. They don’t need to come in the form of another person! The more totally You you become in the early part of your life, the more a future partner can be another whole person alongside you—not “your other half”—but another whole. Side by side. You can get to wholeness by re-claiming all those amazing things you project onto another person when you fall for them in that kind of painful, overwhelming fantasy of love.
We can learn about what our souls most want for our lives by seeing what we long for in the world. Once you know that projection has been yours all along, you can take steps to pursue those passions, interests, and curiosities all on your own. Then when you meet someone who does return your interest, you’ll be more you and hopefully they’ll be more them.
It may take weeks or months, but stay with it. This painful unrequited crush may turn out to be a great opportunity for real growth and happiness. Once you “reclaim your projections” and take back the fantasies you had on this person, you’ll find you’re free... You may still like them, but it won’t feel like you’re bound and obsessed the way you once were. You can do this! You’ll never look back.
To thriving!